The Department of Ponces
by Rayniekinnz
Summary: 'Currently, it was the thirtieth of August, 2025, and Scorpius Malfoy and his idiot of a best friend, Albus 'call me Severus and die' Potter, were on a seek-and-destroy mission for the latter's baby sister who thought it was perfectly acceptable to use magic during the holidays because her brothers wouldn't dare let her be caught.' Round 10 - Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition


**Written for Round 10 of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition! **

**Team**: Montrose Magpies  
><strong>Position<strong>: Chaser 2  
><strong>Department<strong>: Improper Use of Magic [Law Enforcement]  
><strong>Prompts<strong>: [quote] **4.** "A well-composed book is a magic carpet on which we are wafted to a world that we cannot enter in any other way." Caroline Gordon / [word] **6.** Specialty / [quote] **14.** "I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me." S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders

**Notes**: Slash/Preslash ahead ; u ; And some cursing...but no F-bombs because that would be rude c:

* * *

><p><span><strong>The Department of Ponces<strong>

"A well-composed book is a magic carpet on which we are wafted to a world that we cannot enter in any other way."

A lanky, flaxen-haired young man turned slowly to look at his companion, eyebrows raising in a distinctively 'this better be good' manner. He was dressed all in black, as was his friend, with his wand help limply in his hand. "…what?"

The other shrugged, a small smile playing at his lips. He held an insignificant book in his hands, wand tucked behind his ear as if they couldn't be trapped at any moment. "It's a quote – muggle, by some Caroline something or another. Pretty cool, right? I wish I had a magic carpet."

"…"

"…?"

"You're an idiot," Scorpius announced shortly in a whisper before turning back to the front, eyes alert and stance ready to strike. They were in a very _sensitive_ position, hidden by strong charms and Mr. Potter's Invisibility Cloak, strung over the top of the desk they were hiding beneath. It was topped with many books, messy files and random cloaks that had been tossed on and seemingly never picked up again, so it was very unlikely anyone would look long enough to realise the table-legs were missing and the air beneath the surface was completely warped.

It was late, so only two employees remained – the overnight staff, they guessed – but they had to wait until it was all-clear to move. Which could take _hours_, if the snoring man across from them and the diligent lady had anything to do with it. They had been in the same positions since returning from the cafeteria at nine, the latter jumping right back into her workload and her lazy co-worker propping his feet up on his desk and falling asleep.

Currently, it was the thirtieth of August, 2025, and Scorpius Malfoy and his idiot of a best friend, Albus 'call me Severus and die' Potter, were on a seek-and-destroy mission for the latter's baby sister who thought it was perfectly acceptable to use magic during the holidays because her brothers wouldn't dare let her be caught.

If you couldn't tell, Scorpius wasn't very impressed. In fact, he laughed out loud when the sixth-year came begging for Albus to do something lest their parents find out.

* * *

><p><em>"You <em>have_ to!" Lily hissed, eyes wide and hands clenched at her sides. "I'll be expelled!"_

_"And?" he replied coldly. He had never been particularly fond of her, though he was sure the feelings were mutual. "You're only asking us because James finally put his foot down, anyway. The fact that you cannot follow simple instructions is not my problem, nor is it your brothers'."_

_"Scorpius," Albus said awkwardly, eyes flickering between his best friend and his frantic sister, "maybe we should—"_

_"—tell your parents? What a lovely idea! We could replay Hopkirk's letter, too! Fun for the whole family, indeed."_

_"Albus!" Lily cried, cheeks flooding red. "Please, Mum and Dad _cannot_ find out about this! Please! I'll—I'll do anything!"_

_Now Scorpius was listening. "Oh? Like what?"_

_Pressing her lips together, Lily considered this. Finally huffing out a sigh, she glared up at him from under her lashes. He merely raised an eyebrow. _

_"Name your price," she grumbled, crossing her arms and lifting her chin defiantly. Scorpius often wondered why such an intelligent witch would act so childishly, though he supposed she would eventually grow out of it – he hoped so, anyway. If she passed those mannerisms onto his own sister he would gladly disown her; the fact that they were even friends made his wand itch for a good curse or two. Preferably at a passing pigeon. Filthy birds and their beady little eyes…_

_Albus looked like he wanted to disagree and say they'd do it for free – the stupid bugger was soft like that, even after seven years in the Snake-Pit – but Scorpius raised a hand, eyes locked with brown. "You want us to infiltrate the Improper Use of Magic Department and erase your record, correct?"_

_Lily's eyes flashed uncertainly, but hardened a moment later and she nodded jerkily. "Yes! Hurry up, Malfoy! It's already seven!"_

_"I want fifty Galleons. Each."_

_"W-what! I don't have that kind of money!"_

_"You said anything – I want gold. Take it or leave it, Potter."_

_"I thought you'd want me to be your slave or something! Where the hell am I supposed to get one-hundred Galleons?!"_

_Scorpius sneered, lifting his chin. "I'm not _ten_. Besides, if I wanted a 'slave', I'd pick one without the eyesore you call hair."_

_"Scorpius!" Albus shouted, offended on behalf of his gaping sister. _

_"Whatever. It's gold or you can count me out – good luck Albus, you'll need it." He brushed off his trousers and started to leave the garden, not even five feet away before he was called back._

_"F-fine! I'll get the money! Just—do this!"_

_"It's a pleasure doing business with you, Miss Potter," he bowed mockingly, catching Albus' eyes and smirking. Albus rolled his eyes, nodding when his sister swung around to look up at him with pleading eyes. _

* * *

><p>Of course, while the money was great, he probably would have done it anyway – mostly because he actually needed to visit the department and it was the perfect opportunity since hardly anyone was around and he could file his registration without gossip breaking out immediately after. The current intern who normally filed the registrations was a bit—disorganised, so if he 'misplaced' the documents but could prove he filled them out then he didn't have to worry about it being public knowledge. Growing up close to someone who had spent time in Azkaban had given him an even greater determination not to be sent there either – or caught, anyway.<p>

Albus chuckled beside him, nearly making him thump his head on the underside of the desk in fright. "Listen to this! 'I lie to myself all the—"

"Shh!" Scorpius hissed, elbowing him in the side. He was starting to get incredibly agitated just _waiting_, unused to sitting still for so long. No wonder Mr. Potter complained about stake-outs all the time – they were bloody boring! They couldn't have chosen a more uninteresting place, either! Honestly, for wizards and witches who flounced around bragging about all the people they got to bust, they certainly didn't get much action. Never-mind 'Improper Use of Magic', it was like—like, the 'Department of the Ponces' instead!

"Ow," Albus grumbled, rubbing his hip. "Merlin, just curse the guy already!"

"I can't—oh, hmm…think a dislodging charm will do the job?"

"Is that your speciality or something?" Albus asked, curious and exasperated. "You'd think you'd know some other hexes by now!"

Sniffing, Scorpius ignored him and lifted his wand. He whispered the incantation, eyes locked on the wobbling chair of the snoring employee. Normally he wouldn't do something so rash, but he really just wanted to get out. Besides, if he was lucky there would be some left-over duck from dinner!

The spell hit the chair dead-on and the legs crumbled, sending the man sprawling, limbs flapping uselessly as he was thrown awake with the sudden loss of his seat. He hit the ground with a dull thump and a sharp cry echoed through the nearly-empty department.

"Oh my—!" his co-worker shouted, hurrying from her desk to help him up. He clutched his arm to his chest, whimpering and wincing.

Scorpius rolled his eyes – ponce – and watched gleefully as the man was herded out with stuttered suggestions of getting his arm checked out. They waited another long moment before hurrying out of their hide-away, Albus locking the door and casting warding spells to let them know if anyone wanted to get inside as he strode towards the wall-to-wall cabinets and started rifling through the hundreds of files.

Albus looked confused, glancing towards the other wall where ten other cabinets stood, labelled alphabetically. "Uh…Scorpius, that's not the—"

"I know," he growled, "get your sister's file and erase the last offence! I need to do something…"

_Animagus Registration Form_ – aha! He got out a fresh sheath of documents and looked around for some ink and a decent quill. Luckily the woman had been so quick to leave, he thought absently, quickly filling out the normal details and then pausing as he thought about how to 'describe' his form.

"You're an Animagus?!"

"Shut up!" he hissed irritably, briefly glancing up towards the door before sliding his eyes to rest on his best friend. Albus bristled, cheeks flushed and mouth set in a disbelieving frown. "Look, only recently, okay? I was going to _show_ you."

His expression smoothed out a bit, but green eyes narrowed somewhat suspiciously. "And when exactly did you plan to do this, hm?"

Scorpius scowled, ducking his head to hide the slight flush to his cheeks. "…next Wednesday…I need to do this, though! I'm sorry I didn't tell you, okay?" he ground out. He had never been particularly good at apologizing for anything.

Albus raised his eyebrows, mouth parting. "Next Wedn—oh. _Oh_."

Scorpius ignored him and quickly scribbled out the rest of the forms, scratching down his signature. He refused to look up until he had to spell the ink dry, embarrassed but also on edge at the thought of being caught. Albus' goofy smile caught his attention just as he put the newly-filled-out registering documents back into the cabinet – hidden behind some others with a minor Disillusionment charm, of course.

"What?" he said, suspicious and mortified as his face undoubtedly flamed red. It certainly couldn't have been attractive and he scowled, patting his cheek self-consciously.

"You're so _sweet_!" Albus cooed, making kissy-faces and dancing forward. Scorpius was grabbed around the collar despite his attempts to get away and yanked forwards so their faces weren't even an inch apart. "My _sweet_ little Scorpi! _So_ romantic, remembering—!"

"Shut up, you idiot!" Scorpius shouted, nearly tripping over the toppled chair. The alarms flared then and they shared a wide-eyed look before scrambling down and under the desk, choking down groans when their heads smashed together. It was a tight fit, but neither complained as a pair of legs wandered past suddenly.

The wizard paused, most likely glancing around before shrugging and heading back out.

"What is it?" someone sounding suspiciously like Ron Weasley asked.

"Nothing, thought I saw someone in here is all. Come on, let's head out. 'Mione said she'd keep dinner out, right?"

The voices faded soon after and they gasped out breaths as they tumbled out from under the misleadingly-sized desk. They looked at each other, hearts thumping wildly with twin expressions of horror at nearly being found out by Harry Potter of all people, one of their father's, before Albus laughed shakily and shook his head.

"Well, we better get out of here."

"Yeah," Scorpius muttered, pressing a fist to his chest. He wasn't cut out for this Gryffindor stuff…

Albus was suddenly in front of him again, smirking and _way too close_. He hooked an arm around Scorpius' shoulders and leaning in so their few inches in height difference wasn't noticeable, apparently unaware of how his best friend was about to pass out from lack of oxygen.

"Hey, Scor?"

"Yeah?" _Dammit, Malfoy! Don't sound so breathless! Be cool—_cool!

Albus' lips softened into a little uncertain smile and he closed his eyes, their mouths inches apart and the distance growing shorter and shorter until—_OW!_

Scorpius clapped a hand over his nose, swearing loudly and bowing over as he tried to will the dull clangs of pain away. Albus was in a similar position, though he was groaning rather than offending just about everything that was possible to offend.

"What the—?!" Scorpius demanded, breaking off when he saw the envelope on the floor. _It must have hit him in the head_, he scowled. Albus stooped to pick it up, expression just as dark. He ripped it open without thinking, scowl melting into a disbelieving gape.

Scorpius grabbed the missive, squinting and blinking when the words blurred slightly before his eyes. "Is this…_OH FOR THE LOVE OF—!"_

_Underage magic detected in Godric's Hollow. Heating charm. Suspected witch/wizard: Lily Luna Potter II._

**End**


End file.
